Define The Relationship

by Risa Koh

I’ve gone through a few different phases in my dating life.  My best dating stories come from the times in my life when I was dating a few guys at one time.  While I hate living “the drama”, drama makes for a good story – it’s the truth!

As much as having drama and dating several guys at once makes for a good story, there always comes a point when the relationship must be defined.  The reason for this is because without some sort of “label”, people get confused as to where they stand.

Take for example an afternoon I had with this guy one time.  We had shared a fun Saturday evening and then met for brunch on Sunday.  It was an intimate afternoon that lasted into the early evening, filled with food, conversation, and wine.  He and I had only met less than a month prior, but I liked him a lot.  As we ordered dessert, I received a text from another guy I had met recently.  I liked this guy too, but less than my brunch companion.  The text was to ask to see me again some time during the week.  Before I responded, I considered my present date.  I wanted to be fair to him and fair to myself, knowing how I felt for him and could feel for him if we were to make our relationship more serious.  I read the text and put the phone down.  Then these words came out of my mouth: “I just received a text from this guy who wants to see me this week.  How should I respond?”  I was hoping he would say, “Tell him you’re seeing someone else,” but he didn’t.

I hoped he thought as much of me as I thought of him.  He didn’t want to be exclusive, but I had to bring it up because I didn’t want to go on any more dates with other guys if he wanted to make things exclusive.  By him telling me that it was OK to continue to see other guys I had my answer and I knew where I stood in his life, as much as I didn’t like his answer.  His honesty allowed me to keep exploring other options to find “the one.”  And that made me less confused.

For the male perspective on this topic, read Jake’s article “Exclusivity.”

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The Relationship Evaluation Spreadsheet Sketch

by Jake McMillan



Here is a short comedy sketch about a couple who use an analytical tool to evaluate their relationship on a monthly basis.

Text version of the sketch:

Claire: Jim, I need to talk to you

Jim: Sure, what’s up?

Claire: I’ve just filled in this month’s relationship evaluation spreadsheet and we need to break up.

Jim: What are you talking about?

Claire: You know very well that each month I do an evaluation of our relationship on 100 key indicators and for the second month in a row we are below the minimum satisfaction level.

Jim: That is just crazy! Don’t you love me anymore?

Claire: It’s not me, it’s the spreadsheet. It says we have to break up. I did a graph of the last 6 months [hands Jim the graph] … see, we’ve been on a downward slope. We need to break up.

Jim: Well maybe you filled it in wrong?

Claire: [offended] I did not fill it in wrong!

Jim: Look, you’ve only given our sex life a 3 out of 10?! That’s a bit harsh.

Claire: We’ve hardly had sex at all this month.

Jim: I’ve been away with work for 2 weeks.  What do you expect?

Claire: The statistics don’t lie, we need to break up

Jim: It’s not us that is wrong, it is the spreadsheet.

Claire: No, the spreadsheet is an essential relationship tool.

Jim: You love Excel more than you love me! If you spent less time designing the spreadsheets, the conditional formatting, the over-complicated formulas and hours filling it in each month, we would be able to spend more time together! … At the very least there would be more time for our sex life to go up from a 3 to a 5!

Claire: Maybe.

Jim: Look, I’ve had enough of this, it is either Excel or Me. Which is it to be?

Claire: hmm… Okay, can I get back to you?

Jim: Why? Can’t you decide now?

Claire: I need to be sure of my decision, so I am just going to put together a quick table of the things I like about you versus the things I like about spreadsheets.

Jim: Are you going to do this on Excel?

Claire: Of course!

Jim: Aaarrggh!  [Walks out]

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The List

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Breaking Up: Be Cruel To Be Kind

by Jake McMillan 

Breaking up with someone can be one of the hardest things we ever have to do in life, especially in the situation that you have fallen out of love with your partner. You don’t stop liking or caring about the person, so having to tell them something you know is going to seriously hurt them is a very difficult thing to do.

However, we must do it.

Saying “I don’t love you anymore” and other words that will cause them pain are necessary for them to understand why you are breaking up with them, that it is serious and a definite decision. Anything less than this will potentially leave them thinking there is still a chance and keep them hanging on for a situation that will not change.

You must say these cruel words to be kind. However, do not be cruel in the sense of saying that you now think they are ugly and that they smell! (even if you do think this)

Getting over a break up is not a quick or easy process and so not breaking up with someone properly will make it even worse. If you care for the person then you must be brave and say the words that will cause the pain and devastation in their lives. They will hate it and may even hate you for saying it, but in the long run they need you to say it to be able to move on.

If you care for the person you are breaking up with, then you need to put their feelings first and beyond your own fear or reluctance to cause them pain.

 

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He Said, She Said: Should I Break Up With My Partner?

 

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Just Not That Into You

by Jake McMillan

Thanks to TV and movies, we are now very familiar with the phrase, “[he or she] is just not that into you” meaning that the person you are seeing/dating likes you but just not quite enough to make it successful.

It can be liberating to realise this about the person you’re seeing as it can help explain their behaviour. However, how come this situation arises so often? Why don’t people you’re dating realise this before you do and end things?

Unfortunately the path to romance is seldom clear and this makes it difficult to objectively evaluate how we feel about someone early on. There are no rules about how you fall in love. Sometimes it is love at first sight and sometimes they are, as a friend of mine likes to say, ‘slow growers’, where you don’t get that initial rush about someone but over time the feelings and passion you have about the person grow.

So how can we tell the difference between a slow grower and someone we are just not that into? The truth is that it is very tough to do in the beginning. The best thing you can do is trust your gut instinct. After 3 or 4 dates with someone you will have at least a feeling if they are a slow grower or if you are just not that into them.

I’m slightly cynical on this issue and suspect a lot of people out there do know they are not that into the person they are dating, but keep doing it as often people are lazy and if they don’t have any other offers, they can at least have some fun. Some people would rather be dating someone they know they don’t see a future with than not to be dating at all.

So if you are the one who is not just into the person you’re seeing then it is important to be true to yourself and to others. It’s not worth wasting time with someone you’re not really into, when you could be out meeting someone you actually do really like. Likewise, the person you’re just not that into could be meeting someone who is into them!

 

Related Posts:

The Relationship Evaluation Spreadsheet Sketch

He Said, She Said: Should I Break Up With My Partner?

Top 5 Bad TV Ways To Break Up

 

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The List

(Knowing what you want in your ideal partner)

by: Risa Koh

In a casual conversation one evening while discussing our personal love lives, I said to Jake, “Well Mitchell only scored 86% on my list.” Naturally, Jake followed up that flippant comment with, “Your list?!” (Really highlight the italics on the last word.).  Jake and I are best buds so I don’t keep anything from him and neither was I embarrassed by it.  “Yeah,” I said matter of frankly (well, actually, it was more like, ‘Yeah, um, DUH!’), “my list.”

What is the list?

Girls, if you haven’t got one, you should.  And guys, if you haven’t got one, you should too.  This is The List Of All The Things I Want In A Perfect Partner list.  If you’re single or you’ve been dating the wrong types of people, maybe it’s because you don’t know what you really want in a partner.  Creating this list will help you see more clearly.  And as you date more or meet more people, you’ll know which qualities turn you off or on.

I think everyone seems to have similar qualities they look for: understanding, responsible, has a sense of humor, blah blah blah.  I wasn’t satisfied with these generic qualities.  On my list, I changed “sense of humor” to “can laugh at himself” because that described the kind of person I wanted better than just having a humorous side to him.  Who cares if my perfect guy can just tell a funny joke?  Being able to laugh at himself meant he didn’t take himself too seriously and doesn’t easily get offended; that he’s comfortable with himself to know he’s done something stupid and can laugh about it.  I added “gets along well with my friends” to “caring” because it is important to me that he not only be kind-hearted and caring, but that he could be friends with the people I love most in my life and that they loved him too.  I changed “responsible” to “financially responsible” because a man who knows how to handle money is a lot more important to me than a guy who just keeps a timely schedule and follows through on his word (although those are important too).

Then, I wanted to know where the men in my past, present, and potential future rated on this list so I could know if they were duds or studs (omg, did I just type that???). That’s where the 86% came from for Mitchell.  And that’s what I shared with Jake – in an Excel spreadsheet (um, doesn’t everyone make their lists in Excel?).

Jake looked over the list and added some details to it (i.e. “Must be good in bed” was a Jake contribution), and created a scoring system for each item as he felt some traits bore more importance than others, thereby requiring a heavier score.  Maybe you’re good at math, but I’ve always been mediocre at best, so Jake’s new method was WAY too complicated for me.  However, he did have a valid point.  So I adjusted my rating system to look like this:
2 points = Yes (meets criteria),
1 point = No (does not meet criteria),
0 points = I don’t know (I don’t know yet if he meets criteria).

The “I don’t know” score is necessary because let’s face it, unless he’s Barney Stinson, am I going to know if he “Looks good in a suit” in the first ten minutes that we meet in a bar/mechanics shop/Starbucks/through a mutual friend?I have about 60 detailed qualities I look for in my perfect life partner.  Here are the top 20, in no particular order:

1. Can laugh at himself.
2. Confident
3. Independent
4. Respectful of me and others
5. Writes with good grammar and spelling
6. Is financially responsible
7. Is not clingy
8. Looks beautiful in a nice suit and tie
9. Does not have a hairy chest, back, or butt
10. Chooses to be optimistic and happy
11. Is a good communicator
12. Well traveled and cultured
13. Ambitious
14. Is a good listener
15. Good conversationalist
16. Open minded
17. Non-smoker
18. Doesn’t snore when he sleeps
19. Gets along well with my friends
20. Has a nice smile

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